Making out, with my car still in drive, foot holding the break steady, System of a Down quietly yelling at me from my speakers-- but I don't remember the songs changing. When I left the CD was starting over.

Where am I going with all this? Fear. Overwhelming, troubling my mind even though I'm getting what I asked for- seeing someone who isn't unavailble in one way or another.

Three other people I've seen this year. Of those three, there was one reason or another that kept me from having something more with them than sex.

Looking for something more perfect, coming out of a long relationship, in a bad relationship that wasn't going to end anytime soon while having someone else on their mind.

It was a safety net, really. Knowing that no matter what, I would still be single and I would get over whatever whirlwind that I caught myself up in. The moment would pass and I wouldn't be subject to long term pain.

And it's been easier that way. Not getting too far involved, keeping myself from getting hurt. As much as I wanted something more, would have happily gone for something more with any of them, I knew it wouldn't be and that I'd still be okay. Casual encounters were by far less painful.

Now where am I? I had a date, we hit it off really well. Making out. I turned down sex. I wasn't ready, I'm scared of moving too fast because this person is more available to me than the previous three.

Outside, I'm cute. Asking my friends what he said about me, grinning because of the make out session in my car.

And inside, I'm freaking out. The little voice in my head is screaming for me to run. I could turn off any attraction I have to this man with a single thought because I don't want to go through another nightmare.

Am I now the person that's holding out for a kind of perfection that doesn't exsist? Am I going to sabotage something that could be good just because I'd rather be alone and having casual sex, then taking the chances that I should be?