Just when I thought I had it together, when things might actually work out. I stood tonight among a crowd of people. Families congratulating their children on their achievement, proudly standing next to them as they readied themselves to move on to another phase of life once the took off their caps and gowns.

I moved to the sounds of their voices, all blurred to a constant hum as I hugged my sister in her moment of glory. The top of her class. Looked on as my Mother beamed at her favorite daughter dressed neatly in a white gown, feeling her silent distaste of me as I was a stark contrast to everything my sister is. Myself all dressed in black, the dropout, the one who doesn't have her life together and on track.

It was then that I felt it, my hand loosening on the grip of reality around me. Standing in a mass of over three thousand people, feeling like I was about to be swallowed up by the dirt I stood on. Looking around thinking that no one would save me if I started to sink right then and there, except that I was only sinking inside and they couldn't see it.

I stood there in that mob, feeling like everything was going wrong. The flat that my best friend and I had to go back and change on my car, the fact that I can't afford a new tire. Everything else, just feeling so very wrong as I rode back to her house in her comfortable and new SUV. Knowing full well that when I got back here, to my own apartment, that I wouldn't have any real way to let this out. No warm shoulder. You knew that was coming, didn't you? So what, I could care at this point.

Somewhere, I can hear that voice calling out inside of me. Telling me how weak and pathetic it is to be having this pity party when I should damn well be in bed trying to sleep. Dealing with my moments of lonliness and my apparent failures. Moving on to another day. I will. This will pass and there will be some other short notation about my day listed here soon. I'll shut up again for a few days, maybe even weeks if I can bury the pain well enough and everyone that reads this can go on being none the wiser. Or even knowing and just not saying anything. I'm fine with it either way. I feel like everyone is growning, or has grown tired of my comstant bitching anyhow.

Flick, flick, hiss. Another cigarette lit, another few moments that I'll sit here either typing or in contemplation about what is going on and how to fix it once and for all.

I'm sorry for my moment of weakness. Not sorry to any of you, but sorry to myself for being so fucking arrogant. Thinking that as I was changing, I was becoming invincible. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought that I could handle it all since I declared my independance. Now I'm falling apart and its my own fucking fault. And now my bravado has been replaced by fear, I'm shaking at the thought of falling again. Losing the ground I've gained simply because I can't fucking deal with life's mishaps, because I need to be held so fucking badly right now and I can't handle another minute of this, but know full well that I'll have to because my phone won't ring with someone's concern, my IM won't ring with someone just checking on how I am, there won't be a knock at my door with someone's open arms on the other side that I can just fall into.