Again. Like every other night.

Then it hit me. The base of the promblem. The deep rooted reason for my desparation, for not wanting to be alone as much as I am.

For the last six years, I've had bad relationships. With no love and very little affection. Most of the affection was sex, and that sex was the other person trying to fufill their needs while paying no attention to mine. Wasted, lonely years with this nine month bookend of living alone and constant pain of my cold heart beating ice chips and bitterness though my veins.

Don't get me wrong, I've had a good sex life for a single person over the last seven months or so. Sex is a good, physically fufilling thing. However its not a replacement meal for a starved heart.

After looking back on these last years, the end of my teenage years and the better part of my early twenties, seeing how empty they were, I realized why I'm so unhappy right now.

Going to bed every night, my body aching so badly to be held that its become a physical soreness, my heart screaming to be noticed and held dear, none of this is a new occurance that started with my trip down the path of singlehood.

This feeling, this lonely place I've been in, has been a six and a half year journey through the extremes of emotion. How far can one person go before all things relating to being alone break them.

I used to talk about what it was like to be with someone and still feel alone, uncared for. Somehow, during this time I've forgotten about that. Lost sight of it and didn't take into account what it did to me, and how the only difference between the alone I felt then and the alone I feel now is the fact that I'm the only person in my bed now.

In the end, I still ache for affection. I still long for the feeling that comes from knowing that I have someone, which is a different feeling than knowing I have good friends, its something on a deeper level. I still want to wake up sometimes and feel that pair of arms winding around my back, fingers absent mindedly stroking my shoulder, the even breathing of the other person as they sleep.

None of those feelings have changed. What's changed is the whys of my feelings on it. They reason that this constant pain in my heart has been eating me alive and shoving me down the spiral as far and fast as it possibly could.