Driving down the road with a cop behind me, scared that he's going to pull me over because my tags are a week expired. Still having Stacey's voice in my head saying, "They give you a month's leeway on that because you may be waiting to get the tags in the mail, or so a cop told me," and hoping that it will apply today. Going 35 when I would normally be going 50, eating away at the time I had so very little of right then.

Trying to get on the freeway, I discovered I had a killer neck cramp. I kept trying to turn my head to the left to see if I could change lanes, only to be greeted by a screaming pain from my shoulder to the base of my skull. Happy morning, indeed.

In the last three days I've been in a bad emotional state. Just generally angry. It started small on Friday night and by Sunday night it was this evil, raging thing making me feverish and impatient with everything. I swear if you saw me, you'd think Satan was going to pop out of my head, complete with horns and a pitchfork.

I know exactly what it was. I was going stir crazy. The combination of having Brendan at home this weekend and no money whatsoever, was driving me insane. I couldn't even take Brendan to McDonald's or something for lunch just to get out of the house. I wasn't going to take him on a trip to Wal-Mart either because I'd just end up spending what little I have for gas and food on crap.

So I was going out of my mind. I'm not the kind of person who can stay in one place very long unless I'm sleeping.

I discovered something else over the weekend too. Something I had forgotten almost completely over the years.

Why it is, exactly, that I smoke.

I have this problem. I cannot settle down. At.all. This was something apparent to me when I was younger, as even then I didn't sleep a whole lot and had alot of trouble winding down in the evenings.

When I started smoking, I noticed that I wasn't as wound. I got a little more sleep than I was before and things in general were easier to handle because I wasn't in this state that looked like I was a perpetual crack whore. In all honestly, no doctor could figure out why I'm like this. I've been diagnosed bi-polar, manic depressive, adhd.. even narcoleptic. Who the fuck knows why I'm like this anymore.

After 12 years of smoking, I had forgotten this entirely......until I ran out of cigarettes Saturday night.

That night I was fine. I had just taken some cold medicine because I wasn't feeling well and it pretty much knocked me flat on my ass. No problem, I can handle this.

Sunday, I woke up, feeling a little better. My head was clearer than it had been in awhile, Brendan seemed to be in a decent mood, etc. Hooray. A lazy Sunday.

No, not really.

It was more like the Sunday from hell.

With this new clairty of mind, that increased the longer I went without a cigarette, came a thousand other things including a very upset little boy.

As Brendan proceeded to spend the rest of the day crying about wanting to see his Dad, my mind kept thinking how much easier things would be if I just had one cigarette to calm my nerves.

Just one, right?

Eventually I got ahold of Rob and he came by for a visit. I immediately scraped together what I could from the money that wasn't meant for supplies and bought a pack of cigarettes.

Take a drag, breathe deep, breathe out, sigh.

Better. My nerves were calming somewhat and the rant I had saved up all day for Rob disappated completely.

After he left I went about my business, had dinner, then eventually went to bed.

I woke up this morning and came to the startling realization that just like any other drug, I have been abusing cigarettes for years because they 'keep me calm'.

More accurately, they cloud my mind and keep me sated so that I don't face any of my issues or deal with them accordingly. I have no clairty on any situation I'm in and almost every part of my perception is skewered.

And I realize, just as I know I can't really afford the habit as it is, that I have to stop. I have to actually deal with myself and find a balance within without having to use a chemical to alter it on an hourly basis. This dependancy is one of the roots of my problems. If I can let go of this, I can do alot of other things.

Don't belive me? Ever hear Denis Leary's rant on smoking? "I love to smoke. I smoke seven THOUSAND packs a day and I'm never fuckin' quitting!" I loved that rant and completely agreed. Now I'm beginning to think that as funny as that line is and as much as it still makes me laugh eight years after I first heard it, I probably need to stop using that as my line to excuse my smoking.

Now the hard part. Putting it down. I just about drove myself crazy. Maybe I just need a bit of encouragement.