Good god, what is becoming of me. These entries sound like that of a teenage goth or some idiot girl who cries her eyes out over her desparate situation while sitting on her own hands.

I've become uninspired and boring as of late. Everything going flat, with the occasional burst of colour and flavour to assault my senses and remind me that there's actually life out there to be lived.

Except I do nothing about it. Its becoming less and less of everyone else's fault and more of my own. Nothing to blame but me for my insecurities, fears, faults and failures. Constant failures it seems, as of late.

What have I done to rectify my job situation? Nothing. I've gotten sick over it, gotten unimaginably angry about it, yet I've not made the moves nessicary to get out of it. Get it over with.

Its like I'm terribly afraid of something. Success? Fearing that my life won't be a dramatic mess anymore, maybe. Even though I've strived to get away from the sickening sound of people gossiping about the fucked state I'm always in. If they gossip at all. I think its more that I can feel their disappointment in me.

When I was a kid, no one noticed anything that I did unless it was a fuck up and I could pass that off easily. Now I'm an adult and everyone can see right through me when I say I hate something. They can see me sitting back, wallowing in my own apathy and dispair, rather than making moves to fix it.

Good god, I can't resign myself to this all over again. There's no way I can go on like this, in a flat grey world when I've had a taste of living. When I knew for a brief moment what it was to really be alive.