I've gotten boring in my old age, apparently. Stuck in a rut of writing the same things day after day, going through the same bullshit motions of awake, work, loathing, anger, depression and the occasional, somewhat elusive happiness.

This isn't the feeling I had months ago. Read my diary a few months back and it reads more like a self help manual for those of us who used to be perpetually victimized. Those of us who went through life being the doormat to one person after another.

Now there's no one to blame for my moments of sadness. My diary is starting to read like that of some goth person sitting in their room writing poetry somewhat like this:

Roses are red,
Roses are blue
I hate life,
So fuck all of you.

Right. That's really me.

Okay, so sometimes I do hate life and feel like waving the finger at everything. Its usually only certain things I hate. Right now its my job. Other days its another issue I haven't gotten control of yet. Waving my finger in defiance of the odds, other 'authority' figures that tell me 'this is the way life is and has to be', and other people that get in my way to bring me down from where I damn well feel I deserve to be.

That's just who I am. As my Mom said this weekend over the phone, "You just aren't like other people. You don't work like other people, you don't act like other people, you don't live like other people." (No kidding Mom.) "Except you really are going to have to conform to the rules, even though they reall don't feel like they apply to you, you need to conform to them so you have less trouble." (Thanks for the encouragement Mom.)

A friend of mine wrote today, "Why is it so fucking hard to be sated?"

My reply, "Because we're an entire generation of people that can't find anything that's good enough. Everything we do has to be bigger and better than the last thing we did. Nothing seems real unless it has dramatic flair. We're all afraid of being mediocre and forgotten."

That's just it, isn't it? With me and what seems like everyone else. Its not good enough to have a decent job that pays the bills, a roof over our heads, food on the table. Twenty years ago, that was okay. Today its boring. Blending us in with every other domesticated face out there, there's no difference between me and Jane Plain next door who's trying to make a living to support her 2.5 kids.

So we have this. Our diaries, our drama and anything else that we try to use to make ourselves stand out. Conversations that read much like, "My problems are better and more attention grabbing than yours." Any way to get a leg up on the next person so that we ourselves don't feel like we're lost amongst the masses. None of us want to be common anymore, we all want to be royalty.

No one wants to be mediocre, as we've come to the not so startling conclusion that every other person in our generation and every fucking genration before us has come to. That for the most part, most of us will live out our lives and not amount to anything more than our parents, or our peers. We were born, we grew up, we worked until we dropped, we died. Oh, and we had a few kids and spouses along the way.

Its sad. Everyday, I see myself and alot of people around me fighting that in the same way that I saw my own parents fighting it when they were this age.

Thing is, I look around and I don't see myself as common. Soon to be forgotten. I look around and I see myself surrounded by friends that I adore. Each one of them different-- and unique-- in thier own way. Each of them posessing something that's not like the next person, something that endears them to me, makes me care about them and want the best for them. I see myself lucky because I have my son, beautiful blue-eyed baby boy that he is.

I see so may people, waking up to having the same things and just not realizing or appreciating it. Each one of us, in our own worlds, has things that make us special and really do make us unique. We're only drowning in mediocrity because we allow ourselves to get lost in day to day responsiblities without seeing the larger picture of what we have and what we mean to those around us.

We have everything we want at our fingertips but refuse to touch them because somehow that would change things, that would wake us up. We'd realize that we don't have to make a million dollars and land on the cover of People magizine to be something great.

Its late and this entry is starting to lose its cohesion because I just keep typing as the thoughts come spilling out of my head.

We're not as mediocre as we think we are. We've got so much going for all of us that we lose sight of when they are lost behind failures and disappointments. Things that aren't all that important and shouldn't matter one bit. Its easy to detach ourselves from life and focus on those, isn't it?

Its hard to be sated because we don't have everything we want in life. Sad thing is, we don't even know what it is we want. We're just stumbling and afraid to actually take the time and find out. We could destroy all our illusions about life that way. I beginning to think that we spend so much time living in those illusions that we wouldn't know what to do with out them would we?